Today’s highly sarcastic post is my first collaborative effort. I had some ideas and turned to my amazingly witty and creative buddy Curtis Honeycutt to help me out. Keep in mind, he helped write this before he got those cool new glasses. Imagine how much more creative he is now! Rumor has it he went up 10 IQ points the day he got them.
Don’t Spare The Rod
We all know that the “rod of correction” will drive the devil out our kids. If the rod works and keeps the naughties away, why be stingy with it? Give em a good whack on the behind before they go to bed. Who knows what evil thoughts they were thinking during the day that you didn’t know about?
Oh Be Careful Little Eye What You See…
Start them young on a steady diet of Veggie Tales. As they get older you’ll be able to start weaning them off that into pre-teen Christian classics like Bible Man (what’s cooler than a superhero that prays?). Just make sure they don’t start watching The Simpsons. Before you know it, they’ll be dancing, which leads directly to listening to hip-hop music.
Find Christian Versions of Popular Cultural Trends
Culture is bad. We’re in the world but not of it which means that we need to clean up all the things our kids watch, see or do before they’re destroyed by their corrupting forces. Here are some examples:
- Guitar Hero = Guitar Praise
- Dance, Dance Revolution = Dance Praise
- Simon Says = Solomon Says
- Halloween = Harvest Party
- YouTube = GodTube
- GI Joe = Bible Action Figures (like Sampson & Moses)
- Goldfish Crackers=Icthus Crackers (I’m pretty sure this one hasn’t happened yet and Goldfish crackers are a staple of children’s ministry…this gold mine is up for grabs)
There’s no end to the things in culture that can be made better by making it “Christian.” Even popular board games like Monopoly, Outburst and Scattegories have their Christian counterparts – Bibleopoly, Outburst Bible Edition and Scattergories Bible Edition.
Buy Them a Dog Named Goliath
Probably the best Christian claymation cartoon of all time was Davey and Goliath. Goliath could roller skate. Who doesn’t want a dog who not only talks, but also roller skates? It’s the best of both worlds, if you ask me.
Remind Them of the Danger of Jeans
Boys=Forbid Them to Wear Jeans to Church
Girls=Forbid Them to Wear Pants of Any Kind to Church
Everyone knows that Charles Darwin, not Levi Strauss during the California gold rush, was the inventor of jeans. Darwin thought that denim slacks was the natural evolution of pants. Since we boycott most of Darwin’s ideas, ipso facto, we boycott jeans at church. When it comes to girls wearing anything but modest skirts and dresses to God’s House, that’s also a big no-no. If boys find out that girls have legs, that might lead to dancing (see above for why that’s bad).
Make Sure They See You Reading the Bible.
The Bible’s pretty awesome. Pretty much everyone knows that. But that doesn’t mean your kids read it. You need your kids to see you reading the Bible so they’ll want to. Simple as that. My suggestion is that you hang out right outside their bedroom to do your daily Bible reading, and occasionally say things like “AHA!” or “THAT’S INCREDIBLE!” or even “YOU’VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!” Before you know it, they’ll be highlighting verses faster than you can say premillennial dispensationalism.
Don’t Pay Them an Allowance
…but make them do lots of chores. When they complain, remind them that they’re storing up treasures in heaven. That’s how my dad got me to mow the lawn for free growing up.
If you do all these things, your kids should turn out pretty normal…anything we left out?…Read More